Arsenal Victory Affliction
The dividends of both mass and social media are controversial, especially when we consider them negative. Yes, we have societal problems arising from media. Yet, these are social and psychological problems. The big surprise is media can now give human beings biological problems and serious ones at that. Arsenalosis or Arsenal Victory Affliction (AVA) is a recent phenomenon afflicting soccer fans and its only known cause is via media. What is Arsenalosis?
Arsenalosis is “a metabolic disease of excessive cortisol surges in the body. Cause: neurological responses to the shock of Arsenal victories.” Arsenalosis or AVA is real. Nevertheless, it is an illness only anti-Arsenal soccer fans (haters and dismissers) suffer. The trauma is ghastly. Doctors could not rest when this illness that resembles Metabolic Syndrome raged in medical establishments. The illness became prevalent with a sudden astonishing surge of incidences overwhelming health services. We now know the disease first came to notice of medical professionals in the third, fourth, and fifth games of the 2022/23 English Premiership League season.
Someone initially coined a consensus name for the disease, MSQ1 (Metabolic Syndrome Question Mark 1). After much consideration and caution, they then confirmed the name Arsenalosis or AVA today, 18th September 2022.
The primary symptoms of the disease are serious heart disease, hypertension, blood sugar imbalances, anxiety, and nervousness. Most of the victims of the disease have never ever had high blood pressure, diabetes, heart attacks, anxiety, or tremors hitherto. They were all new diagnosis in healthy individuals. This was puzzling for doctors and other medical professionals; they could not understand it. The sharp increases in emergency appointments and hospital admissions were alarming.
The secondary symptoms include total loss of appetite for normal foods, the cravings for sugary foods/drinks and junk foods, digestive problems, alcohol binge-drinking, smoking of everything, insomnia, and nervousness. The secondary symptoms appear more troubling. Imagine losing your appetite for days or weeks because Arsenal won their game. Or getting drunk not because your team won but to cope with the stress of Arsenal winning their match. And loading yourself excessively with doughnuts, chocolate, ice cream, fizzy soda, pizza and coconut candy just before an Arsenal match because you need the extra shield of comfort.
It’s only soccer, now. You win some, you lose some. Why shorten your lifespan unnecessarily because of ball? Do you not want your loved ones to enjoy you further? These are serious questions worth asking and answering. For the Arsenal Victory Affliction is real.
Apathy towards sexual activity is another symptom of Arsenalosis. Those suffering Arsenalosis, according to medical professionals, claim they can no longer do well sexually, if at all. Again, this unusual symptom got doctors thinking. If not for the problem of being too intrusive, it would have been interesting to know the level of erectile dysfunction cum impotence. That is, partners of anti-Arsenal fans experience on the day and two to three days after an Arsenal victory. If both partners are anti-Arsenal, even if they support different clubs, their bedroom will be sexless. Even hugging and sleeping naked is problematic. We shall avoid the arena of extramarital and illicit affairs.
Otherwise, sound sexual performance is down to “rest of mind.” Most will agree. But how could anti-Arsenal fans have rest of mind when Arsenal is on a winning streak? How do Arsenal victories even disable the kick-starter of sexual organs? No water, no iron, just rust? We need to ask a neurologist to explain it.
The medical professionals speculated it was probably an undiscovered virus that was responsible for MSQ1.
The turning point in the medical mystery came in the sixth game of the season when Arsenal lost Manchester United (1–3). You need to see the rate of recovery from Arsenalosis. Sufferers’ symptoms of the illness disappeared with the same suddenness it came. The relief in the medical profession was more than just a sigh. Be it champagne or prosecco, it was drinks and pats on the back for doctors and health administrators. The celebration was premature, though.
Today, Arsenal beat Brentford (3 – 0) in their seventh game with a devastating impact on anti-Arsenal fans and the health services. Most of the previous sufferers of Arsenalosis are going back to their medical professionals in a hurry with even worse symptoms. The overwhelming has begun again. The phones are ringing.
As I am not an Arsenal fan, all I can say is, “Arsenalosis, AVA, I beg you O!” Or better still, “O media, I beg you, now!”
To be continued.