Yankius: Trump – No Nigerians
Big Nat Turner: Yankee Doo Doo!
Yankius: Look here if you must hail me so it must be Yankee Doodle Doo, right!
Big Nat Turner: Yes, Yankee Doodle Doo.
Yankius: What’s matter you? You look dispunkious.
Big Nat Turner: Trump has won the US Presidential election. Damn! I don’t believe it!
Yankius: That’s great news for America.
Big Nat Turner: Maybe, but it’s bad news for Nigerians.
Yankius: Trump is not the Nigerian president how could his election victory be bad news for Nigeria?
Big Nat Turner: Trump does not like Nigerians.
Yankius: Who does?
Big Nat Turner: He does not like foreigners entering and living in America.
Yankius: Who does?
Big Nat Turner: How can an American president who sits at the helm of the American empire call nations they exploit shithole nations.
Yankius: Because he can. America oppressed shithole nations like Russia, China, Brazil, South Africa, India, South Korea, Malaysia, Indonesia, UAE and Saudia Arabia. Now they are BRICS. Don’t ask me how.
Big Nat Turner: Africa had it much worse than the Asians, Latin Americans and Arabs especially Nigeria.
Yankius: Back to shitholes. Fela sang that before the Whiteman came to Africa, we never carried shit. We shit in big, big holes. The White man taught us how to carry shit.
Big Nat Turner: You are not making sense.
Yankius: You want sense eh! Have it. Before Independence the Whiteman taught us to shit in WC toilets that needed piped water to supply flush. We then started to flush our shit.
Big Nat Turner: You are still not making sense.
Yankius: Shit was always a problem in Nigeria especially in Lagos. A character in Wole Soyinka’s 1965 novel The Interpreters suggested Lagos should ship its surplus shit by railway transport to Northern Nigeria. In return the North would supply Lagos with cheap labour. I was not born in 1965. The reason Tinubu does not like the Igbos in Lagos is that they earn much more, eat much more food, and shit much more. Lagos has a phobia for extra shit.
Big Nat Turner: Why are you playing with words like this?
Yankius: Okay. After Independence our Catker Landlords could not manage the surplus shit anymore and they went to the Whiteman through the World Bank and IMF to ask for help. In return the World Bank and IMF asked our Catker Landlord, “So, now you have Independence and you don’t know how to use flush away? Go and flush it.”
Big Nat Turner: What’s Catker Landlord?
Yankius: Comprador Caretaker Landlord – President or Head of State.
Big Nat Turner: Then Nigeria could not be a shithole country, it had WCs.
Yankius: Yes, they struggled to manage the WCs till Buhari came back into power. He so wrecked the country that his government had to decivilise us back to the 1950s and we started shitting in bigger, big holes again.
Big Nat Turner: Is that true? Do you have proof?
Yankius: People abandoned the WCs because of lack of water. Shitting in a big, big hole is like shitting off a cliff. If you fall…
Big Nat Turner: The holes are not that big.
Yankius: Have you ever fallen inside a pit of shit before?
Big Nat Turner: No! God Forbid!
Yankius: Right. Buhari made Nigeria a shithole nation. He even had the nerve to tell the youth educated and unskilled that there were no jobs for them. That was when the Japa (Great Migration out of Nigeria) Movement started.
Big Nat Turner: Men, Buhari killed the country!
Yankius: Buhari was the Prince of Thieves.
Big Nat Turner: My concern is now Trump is back in power he won’t allow Nigerians into America anymore.
Yankius: No country will, not even in Africa. Well, except the UK.
Big Nat Turner: That’s true most Nigerians who Japa to the West end up in the UK. I wonder why?
Yankius: Karma. Those people forced to speak English must live in England. Don’t forget Catker Landlord made Nigeria unlivable not Trump.
Big Nat Turner: I agree. But Kemi Badenoch is now leader of the Conservative Party in the UK. She will allow Nigerians into the UK if she becomes Prime Minister.
Yankius laughs hard.
Yankius: Kemi Badenoch is White. Forget her skin colour. She grew up amid the few shitholes and countless dysfunctional WCs in Nigeria and knows what it does to people. Kemi will not import such.
Big Nat Turner: And So?
Yankius: She even said the UK’s future is not about people who go there to wash bums. That hurt the heart of the Japa Movement. They thought she was one of them.
Big Nat Turner: I empathise with her. She has a nation to protect.
Yankius: So, does Donald Trump.
Big Nat Turner: What is the future of Nigeria then?
Yankius: Ask God. President Tinubu has decided to tax the shitholes in every compound. The masses now shit in the streets to avoid tax. It’s no wonder Lagos is the largest open-air toilet or shithole in the world.
Big Nat Turner: Wait! I have been thinking. Is the shit you mention national debt or bad governance or human shit?
Yankius: Please, leave me be. I am unconscious.
All Guys Dey