Obẹnẹ: Urhobo Love Sustainably
The Act
Urhobo love. Obẹnẹ, is one of the finest approaches to love in the world. But surprisingly younger Urhobo people in present times believe that Urhobos of previous times did not know what love was. Ojahwevwe! Obẹnẹ, the Urhobo version of love is not only fine and tender it is so sustainable. Let’s talk about Obẹnẹ.
Obẹnẹ is a form of affectionate foreplay its practitioners express as mock aggression or mock rejection. Teasing, sharp words, imaginary conflicts, fake disagreements, fake bullying, fake cheekiness, hailing, flattery, love/tease songs and disapproving stares. Obẹnẹ seeks to break the resistance to love and sex by way of play, sometimes rough play. Well, in those prudish times. Besides, it promoted bonding between couples and variety in the role-plays they could adopt from the most aggressive to the most tender.
Example 1: A man comes home from fishing in the evening. When he enters the house his first action is to give his wife a fierce look from the corners of his eyes. He stands like a bad guy in the movies ready to do violence or mischief. The wife reading the mood, would make comments like,
“Take that nasty look back to where you are coming from.”
Or “I am sitting peacefully on my own gently do not bring trouble here O!”
His clear signal for foreplay ending in sex is acceptable by his wife and their body chemistry changes in that direction. Atugbutu!
The wife will ignore the man but place water in the bathroom for him to bath. The man takes his bath. Then the woman puts his food on the table. Instead of the man to be appreciative he will resort to mock snide comments.
“Somebody is shaking her backside but I can’t see it. Me?! No!”
Again, the woman will ignore him to take her own bath. When she finishes, she will tie her single wrapper on her chest and dust powder on her chest. That is when the man brings his catch, he left outside into the house for her to see. She would hide her delight especially if the catch was big saying nothing.
Before she enters their bedroom or retires to bed in a single-room dwelling, she will start her own drama. With a vicious grimace and blazing eyes, she would yell a warning to her husband,
“Look here, I don’t want any disturbance this evening, let me sleep.” It is her signal to her husband to deal with her like a real man. Not long after you will hear the complaining, “What kind of nonsense is this? I want to sleep” or “You have started again, leave me alone” or “No, no, no!” You know the rest. Atugbutu!
The diet then was mostly carnivore and protein based back then unlike the carbohydrate-based diet today and the ubiquity of sugar. Erectile dysfunction was uncommon then as a result and the aphrodisiac root, Aviresivwẹmẹdia, a man does not compete in standing with a tree was commonplace and often used for muscle strength. Aviresivwẹmẹdia also boosts female libido and some women knew it. Patriarchy did not govern love and partnerships were equal.
Example 2
If as in Example 1, the man comes home but his wife ignores her husband’s stare and posturing. The man relents and puts on a look of vulnerability. He would then start a soft appeal,
“You have not asked me what I would eat or how my day has been.”
If the wife still ignores him, he would ask further,
“What have I done to you that is so bad? Please tell me?” He must persist till she tells him her annoyance or grievance, if he is to play it right. Women also initiate Obẹnẹ with their husbands producing similar outcomes.
Obẹnẹ soon evolved into a day-to-day mechanism for couples to know where they each stood in their relationship. The act of Obẹnẹ is only possible or wholesome when all is well on the connubial front. The refusal to partake in Obẹnẹ is a reliable opportunity to resolve anger, resentment, grudges, boundary violations, waning interest, broken promises, failing expectations, lack of appreciation and the like. Truly, Obẹnẹ could not resolve all relationship qualms but most were solved that way.
To practice Obẹnẹ without misunderstandings which could result in serious offense taking, quarrels, malice and violence, practitioners had certain virtues they must adopt; understanding, fairness, patience, tolerance, and self-control. Obẹnẹ had a rational side to it behind the drama despite the necessary sensitivity it requires.
The History
There is a historical reason for the evolution of Obẹnẹ into a rough game or rough play. Urhobos were migrating from Benin and perhaps elsewhere under unfriendly or trying circumstances. Imagine getting to Orogun, Kokori, Oghara, Agbarha, Mereje, Igun, Uhwerun, Otokutu or Usiefurun, many centuries ago. The bush, the animals of the bush and first comers to habitable patches of land were just as deadly as each other. Hurriedly built temporary shacks would leak rain or suffer floods, and flaws in the structure sometimes let insects and reptiles in. You had to be alert day and night. Settling in virgin lands were a deadly challenge to overcome.
Nevertheless, Ehware. sex, is one of the seven characteristics of living things. It is human to be sexual. People do not run away from it because they cannot. So, what did our forefathers and foremothers do to survive.? There was no peace or comfort to play love but “go ye and multiply” had to continue.
Such migration from settled conditions to unknown and uncertain circumstances was a source of unending insecurity. Will we see food to eat tomorrow? When we still live here tomorrow? Will more lions come out of the bush to hunt us? The snakes here, can we survive them? How do we kill these mosquitoes that are bigger than cockroaches? These were the questions on the minds of the Urhobo migrants daily.
The love of romance and petting was neither practical nor realistic under such circumstance. Meanwhile, reproduction did not stop.
Playing love under terrible conditions is not easy. Yet, our Venerable Elders devised the art of Obẹnẹ. The Elders found in times of enduring uncertainty and precarity that the best way couples could survive it was to mock the conditions. Furthermore, another observation was couples who mock the times together compatibly in such extraordinary times made the most successful marriages/partnerships. Thus, Obẹnẹ in courtship though sexless was a reliable tool of mate selection for enduring marriages.
Fringe Benefits
Obẹnẹ is foreplay in prep for sex. Obẹnẹ sine well ensures that all the necessary sex centres in the brain are well-activated and all the necessary neurotransmitters for action swim around the brain and body in sufficient quantities. Gbogborogbo, stiffness, and pleplepro, wetness. That is without a single touch. Full on hands-free sexual stimulation. The Urhobos back then did not need a modern day expert to tell them sex is a thing of the mind.
Today people read books about sexual stimulation. A man would explore a woman’s A-Spot, P-Spot, C-Spot, U-Spot and G-Spot to stimulate her, if he is lucky or knows what he is doing. Bianimikaley! The search for “Weak Points” other erogenous spots on a female that weakens her resistance is a dedication of some men. Mi weakeni rọye! Some even look for weak points between the toes or on top of the scalp. More grease to their elbows. In contrast, erogenous spots / parts are incidental in Obẹnẹ, making hotter what is already hot.
We continue in Part 2.
Be Good, not Lucky
