Obẹnẹ: Urhobo Love Sustainably
The Act
Urhobo love. Obẹnẹ, is one of the finest approaches to love in the world. But surprisingly younger Urhobo people in present times believe that Urhobos of previous times did not know what love was. Ojahwevwe! Obẹnẹ, the Urhobo version of love is not only fine and tender it is so sustainable. Let’s talk about Obẹnẹ.
Obẹnẹ is a form of affectionate foreplay adults express as mock aggression or mock rejection. Teasing, sharp words, imaginary conflicts, fake disagreements, fake bullying, fake cheekiness, hailing, flattery, love/tease songs and disapproving stares. Obẹnẹ seeks to break the resistance to love and sex by way of play, sometimes rough play. Well, in those prudish times. Besides, it promoted bonding between couples and variety in the role-plays they could adopt from the most aggressive to the most tender.
Example 1: A man comes home from fishing in the evening. When he enters the house his first action is to give his wife a fierce look from the corners of his eyes. He stands like a bad guy in the movies ready to do violence or mischief. The wife reading the mood, would make comments like,
“Take that nasty look back to where you are coming from.”
Or “I am sitting peacefully on my own gently do not bring trouble here O!”
His clear signal for foreplay ending in sex is acceptable by his wife and their body chemistry changes in that direction. Atugbutu!
The wife would ignore the man but place water in the bathroom for him to bath. He takes his bath. Then the woman puts his food on the table. Instead of the man to thank her, he would resort to mock snide comments.
“Somebody is shaking her backside but I can’t see it. Me?! No!”
Again, the woman would ignore him and take her own bath. When she finishes, she will tie her single wrapper on her chest and dust powder on her neck. That is when the man would brings the catch he left outside into the house for her to see. She must hide her delight especially if the catch was big by saying nothing.
Before she enters their bedroom or retires to bed in a single-room dwelling, she will start her own drama. With a vicious grimace and blazing eyes, she would yell a warning to her husband,
“Look here, I don’t want any disturbance this evening, let me sleep.” It is her signal to her husband to deal with her like a real man. Not long after you will hear the complaining, “What kind of nonsense is this? I want to sleep” or “You have started again, leave me alone” or “No, no, no!” You know the rest. Atugbutu!
The diet was mostly carnivore and protein based back then unlike the carbohydrate-based diet of today and the ubiquity of sugar. Erectile dysfunction was uncommon in those time as a result and the aphrodisiac root, Aviresivwẹmẹdia, a man does not compete in standing with a tree, was commonplace and often used for muscle strength. Aviresivwẹmẹdia also boosts female libido and some women knew it. Patriarchy did not govern love and partnerships were equal. Male domination came later.
Example 2
If as in Example 1, the man comes home but his wife ignores her husband’s stare and posturing. The man relents and puts on a look of vulnerability. He would then start a soft appeal,
“You have not asked me what I would eat or how my day has been.”
If the wife still ignores him, he would further ask,
“What have I done to you that is so bad? Please tell me?” He must persist till she tells him her annoyance or grievance, if he is to play it right. Women also initiate Obẹnẹ with their husbands producing similar outcomes.
Obẹnẹ soon evolved into a day-to-day mechanism for couples to know where they each stood in their relationship. The act of Obẹnẹ is only possible or wholesome when all is well in the house. The refusal to partake in Obẹnẹ is a reliable opportunity to resolve anger, resentment, grudges, boundary violations, waning interest, broken promises, failing expectations, lack of appreciation and the like. Truly, Obẹnẹ did not resolve all relationship qualms but most were settle that way.
To practice Obẹnẹ without misunderstandings which could result in serious offense taking, quarrels, malice and violence, practitioners had certain virtues to adopt; understanding, fairness, patience, tolerance, and self-control. Obẹnẹ had a rational side to it behind the drama despite the sensitivity it requires.
The History
There is a historical reason for the evolution of Obẹnẹ into a rough game or rough play. Urhobos were migrating from Benin centuries ago and perhaps elsewhere under unfriendly or trying circumstances. Imagine getting to Orogun, Kokori, Oghara, Agbarha, Mereje, Igun, Uhwerun, Otokutu or Usiefurun, many centuries ago. The thick tropical bush, the animals of the bush and the first comers to habitable patches of land were just as deadly as each other. Often they temporary shacks they built would leak rain or suffer floods, and flaws in the structure sometimes let in insects and reptiles. You had to be alert day and night. Settling in virgin lands were a deadly challenge to overcome.
Nevertheless, ehware, sex, is one of the seven characteristics of living things. It is human to be sexual. People do not run away from it because they cannot. So, what did our forefathers and foremothers do to survive.? Well, when there was no peace or comfort to play love in but “go ye and multiply” had to continue.
Remember, such migration from settled conditions to unknown and uncertain circumstances was a source of unending insecurity. Will we see food to eat tomorrow? Will we still live here tomorrow? Will more lions come out of the bush to hunt us? The snakes here, can we survive them? How do we kill these mosquitoes that are bigger than cockroaches? These were the questions on the minds of the Urhobo migrants daily.
The love of romance and petting as most adults would like it was neither practical nor realistic under such circumstance. Meanwhile, reproduction did not stop. Playing love under terrible conditions is not easy. Yet, our Venerable Elders devised the art of Obẹnẹ. It was their way of improvising by making good of a less than ideal situation. Ogidi!
The Elders found that in times of enduring uncertainty and precarity the best way couples could survive it was to mock the conditions. Furthermore, another observation was couples who mock those times together compatibly made the most successful marriages/partnerships. Thus, Obẹnẹ in courtship though sexless was a reliable tool of mate selection for enduring marriages.
Fringe Benefits
Obẹnẹ is foreplay in prep for sex. Obẹnẹ done well ensures that all the necessary sex centres in the brain are well-activated and all the necessary neurotransmitters for action swim around the brain and body in sufficient quantities. Gbogborogbo, stiffness, and pleplepro, wetness, thus ensue. That is without a single touch. Full on hands-free sexual stimulation. The Urhobos back then did not need a modern day expert to tell them sex is a thing of the mind.
Today people read books about sexual stimulation. A man would explore a woman’s A-Spot, P-Spot, C-Spot, U-Spot and G-Spot to stimulate her, if he is lucky or knows what he is doing. Bianimikaley! The search for “Weak Points” other erogenous spots on a female that weakens her resistance is a science for some men. Mi weakeni rọye! Some even look for weak points between the toes or on top of the scalp. Goodluck to them. In contrast, erogenous spots / parts are incidental in Obẹnẹ, making hotter what is already hot.
We continue in Part 2.
Be Good, not Lucky