Yankius: Thatcher Made Japa
John Bull: Yankius Baptista the former Londoner! Kre gbish!
Yankius: Gba gbosh!
John Bull: I have just gotten a visa to the UK to do my PhD at the University of Bedfordshire. The visa covers me my wife, my son and my daughter for four years. Men! I am so happy! We are leaving this diarrhoea-filled shithole for good. Brotherly, be happy for me now! I need your advice.
Yankius: JB that’s good to hear for real. I am happy for you. But I must say though, you will not like my advice.
John Bull: In that case lets drink whisky first the pray over it.
John Bull brings a bottle of Chivas Regal out of his satchel and hands it to me. I touch the cap and he opens it. The drinking begins.
Yankius: UK is the mother of the Commonwealth, so when their mothering of empire fails former colonies, their people must go to mother.
John Bull: Queen Elizabeth II is no more.
Yankius: I am talking about Margaret Thatcher.
John Bull: Are you suggesting Thatcher is greater than the Queen?
Yankius: Even if I finish this bottle of whisky and smoke one jumbo wrap of weed, I would not think so. Boss is boss and minister is minister even when you put prime in front.
John Bull: You’ve started again. So, Thatcher is responsible for Japa to the UK?
Yankius: She is responsible for Japa to anywhere. Before Thatcher Nigerians and other Commonwealth subjects went to the UK invited on Rebuild Britian work vouchers or to study. Then they could not wait to go home. She changed that.
John Bull: How?
Yankius: Thatcherism better known as free markets becraped Nigeria and developing countries hard. Reagan did the same. Nigeria’s leaders obeyed Thatcher and Reagan like lowly slaves and being the Big Thieves they all are the outcomes have been devastating to Nigerians and other Commonwealth subjects.
John Bull: Were Thatcher and Reagan lovers?
Yankius: No, never! They were just Prime Minister and President with the same sponsors.
John Bull: I see. Do you really think if we had leaders who rejected free markets there will be no Japa consciousness in Nigeria today?
Yankius: Wrong question.
John Bull: Don’t belittle me.
Yankius: Drink some more whisky.
John Bull uses the opportunity to fill his empty 20cl glass as if he is doing a good thing.
John Bull: Okay tell me.
Yankius: Buhari rejected free markets as military head of state and he knelt out of office with tears and conks. Babangida was put in office by free marketers and he craped Nigeria too well to fix her. Others who opposed took bullets.
John Bull: Free markets is about efficient business not thieving. Blame something else on Thatcher.
Yankius: Free markets are supposed to abolish nation borders. Meanwhile, any system that puts profit and savings before life is promoting thieving. Free markets broadened the scope of corruption everywhere in the world and it is now normal. The days you went to Nigeria or India to study corruption are over.
John Bull: Really?
Yankius: Only government officials and shareholders benefitted from crony free markets. Look at Nigerians today. Hunger dey show for them face. To them everywhere is better than here.
John Bull: No wonder Idi Amin styled himself the Conqueror of the British Empire? A rejection of new colonialism?
Yankius: Onekindishly.
John Bull: Ah! That makes sense. It’s the reason why senior Nigerian government officials and corporate executives ask those who Japa why or ask Nigerians overseas what they are doing there.
Yankius: That was before. The powerful are now leaving Nigeria faster than the rest or “investing” in their children’s Japa. When a ship sinks, the upper deck sinks too and lifeboats are not comfortable.
John Bull: Can you suggest where I can read up on what you have just said.
Yankius: Look on my bookshelf. You will see five copies of an orange hardcover book titled Silent Coup by Matt Kennard. You can have a copy. It’s a good start. You will see how Thatcher made Japa necessary.
John Bull: Thanks men! I will read it.
Yankius: You remember the quote that got Malcolm X in trouble when President Kennedy was shot?
John Bull: The chickens have come home to roost.
Yankius: Right! Japa is the cocks going home to roost in the UK.
John Bull: If this is true, how will it affect the Thatcher-based nationalism in the UK?
Yankius: Ask Kemi Badenoch.
John Bull laughs then pours himself another large whisky.
Yankius: JB we are happy for you. Just don’t pour yourself anymore whisky. You have more than halved the bottle by yourself.
John Bull: Why bullying me? First you said drink more whisky, now you say stop drinking whisky? Are you my father?
Yankius: Ask your mother.
Yankius snatches the bottle from the table and waits.
All Guys Dey