Do Not Remove It – A Secret

Go ye and multiply – Genesis 9:7

When something so pleasant becomes so forbidden nasty old men made it so with heavy rules.

Do Not Remove It! is an Urhobo take on a famous folk story. I can assure you every nation in the world has its own version of the story. Popular but hidden, it is difficult to become a youth and never hear then tell it at some point. Young males tell it to each other with zeal and chuckles when females or older persons are absent. It gives youngsters something to ponder and laugh about. Later they will think more and laugh less about it. So, it’s no surprise many adults retell or rehear it when chance allows. Do they ever outgrow it? Otherwise, the story masks a haunting secret.

The Story

Wo Sio No-o in Urhobo means ‘do not remove it.’ You might have guessed already the story so named is about sex. There a few interesting if not unusual things about the tale which has no explicit sex in it.

First, the story is a talk between Ọse Iboboyi (Father of Bomboy) and the protagonist, a nameless woman. We can assume with ease that the woman is Oni Iboboyi (Mother of Bomboy). The talk begins at a point when Oni Iboboyi is enjoying what they are doing.

Part 1

Oni Iboboyi does all the talking by herself;

“Wo sio no-o, wo sio no-o!”

(Do not remove it, do not remove it!)

“Woda sio no jimi ghwu!”

(If you remove it, I will die!)

Silence.

“Te nabọ phio phiyọ!”

(Go on put it in well!)

“Hwe vwiyọ! Mini Hwe vwiyọ!”

(Hammer it in! I said Hammer it in!)

Silence but she breathes heavy.

“Ọshare wo rhuẹ, Ọshare wo rhuẹ!!!”

(You are a [strong] man You are a [strong] man!)

Silence.

“Wọ kẹvwẹ! Nabọ wọ kẹvwẹ!”

(Give it to me. Give it to me well!)

“Wo sio no-o!”

(Do not remove it!)

“Mika dẹ ekpu isigieti wẹn!)

(I will buy you a pack of cigarettes!)

“Golif gbane Esiem.”

(Gold Leaf or SM [cigarettes])

“Oda tobọ diẹ ibesini dede mika de wẹn!”

(Even if you want Benson & Hedges, I will buy it for you!)

“Hwe vwiyọ! Ọro tuabọ!”

(Hammer it in! The hot one!)

“Mida diẹ ọrieda jovwo ekese hwe vwe-eeeeeeee!”

(If I was a witch they will never be able to kill youuuuuuuuu!!!)

Silence.

Second, the talk stops sharp then continue with a shout from the woman laced with anger and frustration. Something must have happened she did not like.

Part 2

She shouts;

“Ọse Iboboy! Ona wodje grigrigri na. Wo se ruo!!!”

(Now that you are vibrating with anger like this, can you do it!)

The story ends with her shouting.

That is the standard version of the story I knew from 1978 when I first heard it up to 2002.The natural question must be how did the Oni Iboboyi go from a mood of enjoyment to sudden anger? A key part of the story was missing but no one cared. It remains fun as it is and a perennial hit among youngsters.

Two things vary in the story. One is the dialect in which it is told. Two is what the woman promises the husband if he keeps it in.

The story told here is partly of the Udu dialect. Striking is the phrase of the woman to the man ‘ekese hwe vwe-eeeeeeee.’ Speakers of common Urhobo would pronounce it in two seconds but in Udu dialect it could take her six seconds or more especially in a ‘good’ mood.

Wo kẹvwẹ is a phrase from common Urhobo but a variation is wo kẹmẹ is the Abraka dialect. Wo kẹmẹ has a humorous effect amplified by the storyteller slapping his chest to mimic the woman. Other dialects can even be funnier when used. The tellers vary the story a little to keep it fresh over the years forever. It is an immortal story.

The Upgrade

In 2002, my father and I stayed at a hotel in Effurun, Delta state, Nigeria. A bonus of the hotel was an all-night bar and lots of tempting snacks. Dad and I sat at the island of a bar and ordered fish and drinks. Then a very light skinned teenage barman began telling three other young male night staff the story of Wo Sio No-o. He told it hooking his audience with the drama; voice changes and the excitement of a brand-new story.

My father smiled as he listened. A tipsy well-dressed couple entered the bar taking their seats and the barman had to attend to them.

“I first heard that story in the 1940s when I was a student at Urhobo College,” Dad said.

“Really? My friend Bright said he saw it happen outside a store front in 1978,” I replied.

“The story might be over a hundred years old. We called the story You Wasted My Time,” he said.

Interesting! My father now told me his take of the story. I needed to hear it and so do many others. I now heard the missing piece of the story. At the end of the story there was a gap before the last line – ‘Ọse Iboboy! Ọna wodje grigrigri na, Wo se ruo!!!’

It appears that Ọse Iboboyi achieved omamẹ shevwiyọ (I Feel Alright) too early which disappointed Oni Iboboyi. In the older take of the story she fills the gap with more talk;

Missing Part

Oni Iboboyi says;

“Uche nana wọ wanvrẹ re”

(So soon and you have come out on the other side already.)

“Ọye didie oka rota?” Ọse Iboboyi asks.

(What kind of talk is that?)

“Wọ die Ọshare?”

(Are you not a [strong] man?)

“Jimi rowoma,” he replies.

(Let me rest.)

“Etiọnye? Wọ hwọke mẹ.”

(Is that so? You wasted my time.)

This last word made Ọse Iboboyi get angry quickly. She had mocked his manhood or manliness; an offense back then.

Patriarchy and the Woman

The story is a relic from when Nigeria was very patriarchal like the rest of the world. A smooth story like this that could engross and cheer up any man who heard it also threatened the patriarchal psyche of society. In that age, maleness equalled rightness and moments of weakness spurred emotions of shame, guilt or anger.

The woman. Oni Iboboyi offers the Urhobo man love by surrender and encourages him to be what he must be, a man. Whether the man accepts it is not clear in the story. Her pain of not being satisfied is the most human of reactions. Perhaps, Ose Iboboyi’s reaction was excessive. But the story is one of hope. They have a son together in a time when divorce was uncommon. She might have even been one of many wives who wanted to maximise the time allotted to her. Couples need mutual satisfaction that-wise and they might the next time around, most people do. It is an ‘Oliver asks for more’ moment.

You may ask why in the revised standard version of Wo Sio No-o only the woman speaks? Some may say it is because men consider themselves too strong to talk while having sex. Only a woman could do that. The intent of the story was likely a smear to mock women who needed more in bed.

Censored

Men censored the story in informal ways by cutting out the ego bruising words of Oni Iboboyi while leaving the flattering part intact, I guess. It hid away the fragility youngsters don’t think about till much later and its not funny. No wonder Do Not Remove It once held the secret.

Now back to an unfinished point. What the woman promises the man in the story also varies with tine. In the 1940s it was kerchiefs or hankies and the 1970s it was cigarettes and half bottles of schnapps or goscolene. In the 2020s it is mobile data and credits. All are fast moving consumable goods. That tells you the story is about ordinary people doing their thing.

The story is old. Yet, it is interesting that every generation seems to embrace it with its own contexts and values. Well, ‘Go ye and multiply’ is a commandment even the most rebellious of persons in the world including Abbie Hoffman and the Hippies, Che Guevera and the revolutionaries, and co refused to disobey.

The story lives on with crapious energy both in words and in kind!

Be good, Not lucky!

Grimot Nane