Yankius: Nigeria Recolonised

Yankius: Nigeria Recolonised

Blair Rules: How do you do Yankius?

Yankius: I do. I know you are doing well with this fresh face of yours. How is England?

Blair Rules: England is fine. The problem is Nigeria. Hell is the new normal when it comes to cost of living matters.

Yankius: Blame the elites.

Blair Rules: I blame every Nigerian.

Yankius: That is because your mind is crooked. Are you not a crook.

Blair Rules: That is rude, you know.

Yankius: You blame nurses for poor healthcare when there are ministers, permanent secretaries, commissioners and CEOs of the health sector. Or you blame the hungry people for their hunger when the government creates no jobs, uses farm land for holiday resorts/luxury flats and the country is dependent on imports for food. But they have rich public servants who get richer in office responsible for the economy and food security.

Blair Rules: The government is not responsible for putting food on people’s table.

Yankius: You are not Milton Friedman!

Blair Rules: I never said I was. And why are you blaming the problems of Nigeria on elites? Nigerians are not ready to work.

Yankius: You don’t understand.

Blair Rules: I forgot to laugh.

Yankius: You must remember how to laugh.

Blair Rules: Force me.

Yankius: Your father stole millions of Naira of government money after the civil war and bought houses in cash all over London with money intended for rural electricity. You still live in one of your father’s houses and collect rents from the others. If coup plotters did not assassinate Murtala Mohamed, your dad would have gone to jail. Tell me. Have you ever worked hard in your life?

Blair Rules: How dare you bring my father into it?

Yankius: I had to say it, if necessary, I will say it again.

Blair Rules storms out of the living room and goes outside. Seven and a half minutes later he enters back into the living room with a brave face trying to hide his lingering embarrassment.

Blair Rules: Yankius. Nigeria is an independent nation and each person is independent.

Yankius: Nonsense. That is the most fuza thing I have heard this year so far. Nigeria is a colony where the electoral commission trades election votes to the highest bidder. If Elon Musk was keen, he could pay the judiciary to annul Tinubu’s election victory and buy controlling shares in the electoral commission.

Blair Rules: What do you take Nigeria for?

Yankius: A colony, better still, Nigeria is a tradable political autocolony parading as a nation.

Blair Rules: Explain autocologbish.

Yankius: Autocologbish is when the elite class of a nation treats it like a foreign colonial power does. High extraction, low investment in the colony. And in some cases, autocologbish is worse than foreign colonial power.

Blair Rules: How can Nigerian elites in power be worse than Britain? That’s a dodgy argument.

Yankius: Okay, okay, okay! Let me come down to your level. Britain colonised Nigeria, gave Nigeria independence then Nigerian elites recolonised Nigeria in their own image.

Blair Rules: Yankius, Nigeria recolonised. So? You have not said anything new.

Yankius stands up raising his fists in victory a beaming smile etched on his face. Blair Rules south facing lips and tight face show he knows he had goofed.

Yankius: Blair, Blair, I apologise for bringing your father into our discussion.

Blair Rules: Get out there! After you’ve said what you want to say you feign remorse. Apology rejected.

Yankius: What is wrong with remorse? Some people and groups love and even crave people expressing remorse to them.

Blair Rules: That is them. I do not get a mental fix from remorse. Do I look like an idol or narcissist to you?

Yankius: No. You just hate hard truths.

Blair Rules: I know the more bitter the truth the more you like it but I can swear your amygdala is faulty.

Yankius: Really? At least it is better to be fearless than too scared to both admit where I am coming from and face the reality that Nigeria is a recolonised autocolony.

Blair Rules: You are exasperating me. Can we go to Mama Kelechi’s place?

Yankius: Excellent thinking! I’m impressed. These matters of ours ever sounds better with alcohol swimming around our brains.

Blair Rules: Will ogogoro be okay.

Yankius: How can? Single malt whiskey or Chivas Regal only. Maybe you will meet my latest Tsunami babe, Titi.

Blair Rules: Only the name alone…

The pink glare in Yankius’ eyes stops Blair before he could finish…

All Guys Dey